*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
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I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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At least my masseuse has my back.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.