“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we鈥檙e all fine.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I put the h in mysterious.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that鈥檚 been there since I was 5.
Personal trainer: How鈥檚 your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you鈥檝e been eating?
Me: You may not
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I鈥檝e made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
stand with me against insufficient seating
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she鈥檚 away & should never use emojis.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.