They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.