I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?