I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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cats when you pet them too long:
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL