Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*