My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.