i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Bringing home a sharpie
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.