If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.