Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
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Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
accurate
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.