worst…sale…ever
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”