What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
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Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.