ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
seems fine
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.