ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
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9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
lmao
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.