Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Google assistant rules
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me irl
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes