Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
getting groceries
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette