WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
HOW DARE YOU
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
pls suprot
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres