You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?