Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.