[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.