When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
You Might Also Like
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry