We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.