Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
dogs can find happiness so easily
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.