[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine