Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.