My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.