If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
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Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”