This cat wants you to take your pills
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!