Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Cannot stop laughing at this