I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
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The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Sniffing the broccoli
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.