Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
what do you want!!!!!!!!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth