pizza
You Might Also Like
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Got ya covered
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
it was a valiant fight
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.