My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
A lot of folks out there missing the point…