My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
how high up are we talkin’?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
sir, my pâté if you please
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.