I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?