“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.