Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
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My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…