I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
True
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.