I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
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I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity