If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
How to draw a duck
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”