me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
🙀🙀🙀😹
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.