If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what鈥檚 up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Explaining to the plumber that it鈥檚 a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don鈥檛 tell the kids about this spot.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m being attacked 馃槶
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you鈥檙e good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*