BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
You Might Also Like
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour