EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season