Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
the official breakfast of 2021
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.