me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.