My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
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Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
💯😂
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck