Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.