If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.