Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.